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by autumnsbliss
Summary: [Rollins x Carisi] After a particularly brutal case, Rollins and Carisi share a moment of comfort. *(Established Relationship A/U)*


One of the benefits of working year after year as an SVU detective was the fact that the cases generally no longer left Rollins with a weight in the pit of her stomach.

Admittedly, the first few years were difficult. There had been more than one occasion when a particularly gruesome case would break her…leaving her questioning whether or not she was cut out for the job. Her self doubt was a secret she was sure she would never share, but held close to her heart. There was no way to erase the memories of sleepless nights with victim's faces etched into her memory, every graphic detail of what had happened to them playing through her mind on a constant loop like sick and twisted reels of film.

Over the years, however, she had learned to detach. Gone were the nights of lying awake with burning eyes and tear-stained cheeks, wishing that she could do something more than simply hand the person who had committed such despicable acts to the judicial system. It wasn't that she no longer cared...she had just learned not to let her work take such a mental and physical toll on her. And she had perfected it. The cases at hand no longer rattled her to the core of her very being.

Until they did.

Something about this case in particular was sticking with her. Maybe it was the thick southern drawl of the perp reminding her entirely too much of Atlanta…or the fact that the victim's daughter was the same age as Jesse. Maybe it was simply all of the unspeakable things that the seemingly put together man had eventually confessed to in the interrogation room.

She couldn't get it out of her mind, and as she sat out on the steps of her recently purchased condo - the bitter February cold chilling her even through the thick material of her jacket - the familiar feeling of doubt began to settle in once again.

Eventually the front door of the condo creaked open behind her. She didn't need to turn around or even look away from where she had been watching the occasional flicker of headlights passing down the quiet street. She could feel him settle in next to her on the steps, and she subconsciously leaned in closer to the warmth of his body when he wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

"A little cold to be sittin' out here tonight, isn't it?" Carisi asked, the playful tone not lost on her when he spoke.

She let out a sound that could only be described as a mildly amused stifled breath in response.

A comfortable silence lingered between them for a few minutes before he spoke again. They had known each other long enough that he could tell when something was going on. They could skip the obligatory " _is something bothering you?_ "s and " _are you okay?_ "s.

"That last case…"

His words trailed off, leaving the rest of the thought open-ended, and Rollins let out a deep breath as she finally shifted her eyes from the road to the ground in front of her. She took a moment to carefully mull over her words. She had always prided herself on being strong…on being stoic...despite everything she had been through. Sometimes to a fault. However she responded, she didn't want to be vulnerable. She still wasn't able to bring herself to be that way. Not even with the person she—

She cut off the fleeting thought before it could come to fruition, shifting her focus back to the topic at hand.

"I'm damn good at my job."

When she spoke, she wasn't sure if she was trying to convince him or herself.

"One of the best," Carisi agreed.

"Sometimes it feels like it's not enough," she admitted, her hand moving to run through her locks of blonde hair in frustration. With the situation. With herself. "For every sick bastard we nail it always seems like there's ten more just waiting to up the ante."

For what seemed like the first time since she'd known him, Carisi didn't seem to have anything to say. She waited for a response that never came, and finally tilted her head up to meet his eyes.

"You think I'm overreacting?" She asked.

"No," he quickly assured her. "It's just…" He paused. "We do the best we can. We can't save everyone…you know?"

The words were awfully pessimistic coming from the one who - out of the two of them - was generally the optimist, but Rollins knew he was right. They had both been in this career long enough to know.

"Hey." When he spoke again, a gentle finger lifted her chin so their eyes could meet again. "You've got a big heart, Rollins. That's all." He paused, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "Even when you wanna pretend you don't."

Rollins finally breathed out a gentle laugh, the tension releasing from her shoulders as she allowed herself to be folded more tightly into his arms. His lips placed a gentle kiss against her temple, and his words vibrated ever so softly against her skin when he whispered.

" _I love you, Amanda. I mean it._ "

Rollins subconsciously flinched, and Carisi willingly loosened his grip around her when she pulled away slightly to look at him again.

"Sonny…"

They had talked about this. After the last time he'd said it and received no reciprocation Rollins was sure it wasn't going to happen again. She cared about him more than she'd ever expected to. He was her person. The person she wanted to share her bed with at night and the person she wanted Jesse to know as a father figure.

But _love_ …it was a foreign concept. It was a concept that had burned her before and that she could only be cautious of now.

"You don't have to say anything," he told her. "This case…it just got me thinkin'. And if something happened to one of us…I'd just...want you to know."

Instead of responding verbally, she simply leaned back into him, their arms tight around one another as if speaking the words that neither of them knew how to say. She knew…and despite her silence in response she hoped that he did too. She may not have been sure if she was in love with him, but she knew that he was the only person she wanted this way.

For the majority of her life, Rollins knew she was chasing something she couldn't quite put a name to. Something that made her feel whole. It was what made the rush of gambling so alluring. But as she battled her addiction she came to realize that the feeling of wholeness she had been so desperately chasing was never going to come from a successful bet…but from stability. Somewhere to call home.

Atlanta held too many toxic memories and somehow New York had never held a feeling of permanence, even once she settled in and became a mother. Eventually she came to realize that location was irrelevant. Home wasn't about Atlanta or New York City. It was about that elusive feeling of wholeness finally falling into place.

Because here … with her beautiful daughter and the man she never wanted to lose … she was home.

* * *

 _A/N: Thank you to all you who took the time to read this little oneshot! For any of you who may have started reading my Rollins x Carisi multi-chapter fic, sorry for the delay! I'm a college student (who was also dealing with some writer's block) so sometimes things get really hectic and writing falls to the back burner! But the second part is in the works and the story will 100% be continued!_


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